A Recipe For Future Success
For the best quality, championship-calibur Chicago Bears football team, take the existing roster and add the additional ingredients listed. Then, follow the method described below. Delicious, satisfying, and mouth watering football is sure to ensue.
- Equal parts competent and gutsy general manager and head coach. Ensure inherent knowledge of the ability to build an offense around a franchise quarterback
- 1 former Bears player, preferably one that maintains strong ties with the community
- 1 extra large offensive lineman – center cut preferable
- 2 swift wide receivers
- 1 very large Roquan Smith contract
- 1 Pro-Bowl-Quality cornerback
- 2 safeties with the ability to both cover AND tackle
- A heaping scoop of patience
- 1 dash of luck
- Take every single scrap of current management and coaching and pound out using a meat cleaver forcefully and repeatedly. Over and over and over AND OVER again. Use all of the anger and frustration that has been building up inside the fanbase for the past several decades, and hammer as vigorously as possible until ground to a very fine pulp. Be sure to especially smash every crumb of “Nagy-isms”; the “Be You”, the “It Starts With Me”, and especially “THE WHY” will try to escape, but DON’T LET THEM. Keep beating endlessly and senselessly and then throw all of the aforementioned in the garbage disposal. Turn on 3 times with running water for good measure. Yell at the top of your lungs “SAYONARA BITCHES!” and then try to forget every second of the past 4 seasons, minus trading for Mack and drafting Fields.
- Take the position of President and split into 2 equal halves. Take the half designated as “football operations” and tell Ted Phillips to never touch it again. Actually, tell him to never even glance, blink, breathe, or move in the direction of it again. He’ll likely try, so be prepared to shoo him away repeatedly with something relatively threatening. A rolling pin should do the trick.
- Carefully wrap the aforementioned football operations in a soft cheese cloth and let it rest gently. It needs time to recuperate after several years of neglect. Then, give its care over to a former Bears player who will have both the knowledge and the passion to mold it correctly. Pro-Bowl-Caliber players such as Matt Forte, Olin Kreutz, Jerry Azumah, Lance Briggs, or Peanut Tillman would bring about the best quality.
- This next step is especially crucial, so treat it with the utmost vigilance. Vet any and all candidates for general manager and head coach thoroughly, using a very fine mesh sieve to meticulously evaluate their potential. Avoid at all cost any candidate showing signs that it will spoil quickly, like another Andy Reid Wannabe. Rick Smith and Brian Daboll could fit the bill, but regardless of who’s appointed, be sure to give them complete control of all decisions involving the personnel and the players moving forward, especially in regards to the curating of the offensive and defensive coordinators. Explicit trust and confidence is critical for the most satisfying results.
- Fold in a sizable contract for Roquan Smith. There’s no time for lamenting the fact that this step wasn’t completed prior to this season. Simply pay the man and figure out how to effectively layer the defense around him.
- Rigorously coat both Larry Borom and Teven Jenkins in Jason Peters’ offensive tackling knowledge before the end of this season. Do NOT overwork to avoid injury.
- Trim away Nick Foles, Tarik Cohen, Jimmy Graham, and Danny Trevathan. The initial dead-cap hit will be felt like the sting of a hot oven rack on a forearm, but this is a necessary, if painful, step.
- Copiously sprinkle Justin Fields with the likes of quarterback and offensive geniuses. Spare no expense, especially in regards to a quarterbacks coach and offensive coordinator. Let marinate.
- Mix in the offensive lineman, wide receivers, cornerback, and safeties of the highest quality possible as they become available. This step will likely take a few years to get right thanks to the less-than-stellar cap situation we’re heading into, but stay the course. Protection, weapons, and the secondary are key areas in which to create sufficient depth of championship flavor.
- Sit back and watch the magic happen. This is likely the most agonizing step, as it’s where the application of patience and the hope for a dash of luck come into play. After decades of mostly bland and inedible Chicago Bears Football, I’d say that we’re more than due for a feast.
Happy Thanksgiving, Bears Fans!